During class, I actually asked myself what I was doing here. It’s a question that I ask semi-frequently because I get overwhelmed and worry about things. Usually, its fine and I can just take it one day at a time, one assignment at a time. This is different. It’s not really something that can be taken day by day. Sometimes the planning stages are the hardest because most of it is theoretical and idea-based, something that on paper looks a little odd even though it is filled with hopes and dreams. Converting these hopes and dreams into the reality that comprise the hopes and dreams is the difficult part; project that into the future and it becomes even more difficult.

I struggle with the details. I don’t think that my ideas aren’t valuable, but I lack discipline in seeing those ideas come to fruition. In true John Vicory form, I am already worrying that this may be the same. I worry that I will come up with an idea that I want to accomplish and it will go downhill from there. I won’t get the connections I need, I won’t formulate it into a thesis or ask the wrong questions, or something will fall apart mid-stride and ruin the rest… Or, it just might end up dull and ordinary instead of sparkly and amazing.

I knew where my sites were and I knew what I wanted to say as far as what I wanted to do there. But, when it comes to talking about it with people, especially in front of a group, I make it sound like I have simply thought about it a little bit, or it was still vague in my mind. I know exactly what Becker’s students are feeling because I have the same fears as they do. I am afraid to actually say something because I really don’t want to be wrong. I don’t want to be viewed as a failure or bear the brunt of people’s jokes. Not that I think people in our cohort would do that, but people “out there” in the world. I don’t want to set a goal that I can actually fail at reaching, so I set safe goals. I have done that for a while and have suffered for it. I want greatness, but afraid to do whatever it takes to get there.

I don’t want to live my life like that. When I think about it, I would rather take a stab at greatness and be brutalized in return than to look back and wish that I had taken the leap. I say that now. I hope that when it comes to this practicum and this thesis project that my daily steps would be to dream big and not let my fear get the best of me. Jeez, I feel like a need group therapy or something…

After it was all over we started to be pals again. As we drove through the desert I started thinking about how foolishly I act without even knowing it. I am ready to go a certain way and do a certain thing without any regards for the danger around me. I am in such a rush with a single track mind, just wanting to get to my seat, to my life, to my purpose… to my future. I am spun around so quick with an, “I told you to wait!!” from my Father. I get noticeably upset, unable to comprehend the danger I would have stepped into.

After my tears dry He speaks again, “I get after you because I love you and I want the best for you.” I smile at him and know that He’s right. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

“So what am I supposed to do again?” I asked my father for the third time. My car had been making a terrible noise for a couple of days. It is the sound of metal against metal… the kind of noise that told me there was a problem.

Before I left for YWAM, while I was still in college, my dad almost forced me to help him change the brakes of the 93’ Pontiac Transport SE (aka the spaceship or dustbuster). It was a project I figured I would never have to repeat.

A few days ago I decided that in order to get rid of this terrible screeching, I would have to change the brakes again… only this time, my dad wouldn’t be able to troubleshoot anything that could possibly go wrong. Even though he wasn’t there, I was confident that it would be a breeze. But within minutes, even before I took the first wheel off, I was talking to my dad on the phone, getting information, insight, and guidance. He walked me through each step, told me in detail about each of the parts and how they worked. We hung up and I put my hands to the limited and rusty tools I found in my uncle’s garage. Time passed, but before I knew it, I had my dad on the line again. Another problem, another piece of guidance, another word of encouragement. I did everything I was supposed to do but something still went wrong and I found myself sitting in 2 puddles of brake fluid. I changed the brake pads, but when I put the car in drive to test them out, my brake petal went straight to the floor without stopping the car.

I couldn’t understand what could have gone wrong. This minivan is part of my job, part of my connection; and it was broken. Another phone call to my father landed me with possibilities of all the problems, and worse, the expensive solutions. Frustrated and overwhelmed, I was stuck and it was getting late and starting to rain. I was supposed to be somewhere in Seattle at 9 the next morning. My only option was to replace the brake fluid and bleed the brakes; both of which I had no idea how to do. “You need to have the blakes bred” must have come out of my dad’s mouth a dozen times, but I was too frustrated to laugh – at the time.

After more coaching, a YouTube tutorial, and another trip to Schuck’s auto parts, my cousin and I got to work in the raid. We tried a DYI vacuum trick that looked (and worked) more like a bong from my early days. We ended up doing it the old fashioned way – my dad’s way. Seven and a half hours later, we took her for another spin, this time the brakes working quietly and efficiently. My father congratulated me on a job well done.

The next day, while I drove the beast of a van down the Maple Valley Highway I thought back to the previous day and came out with some insights on life and how I operate my life.

No matter how well I think I can do something of how effectively I think I can perform; no matter how confident I am, things tend to go wrong occasionally. I’m not always going to have my dad physically present to coach me on fixing cars or doing taxes. Errors are port of life, but they lead to growth. Even though I didn’t know that brakes could be bled, I learned how to do it and I had to learn fast. Mistakes have a way of forcing our heads up and our eyes open. We have the choice to face them and learn or to turn away from them in further ignorance. Problems break friendships, jobs, marriages, and projects, but they also have the ability enable us to grow as people, to learn and discover what may have been previously unknown and daunting.

I also thought of my relationship with my dad, which hasn’t always been very healthy. In the last few years it has grown and developed into a healthy relationship, but I realized that I called my dad when I needed something from him. We talk on occasion, but I must have spent 2 hours talking to him when the brakes went bad. The thing is, I could tell that he loved every minute that we spent on the phone. Not once did he say, “alright, I have to go”, or “why don’t we talk more often?” We had a connection over my problems. I knew that he had the answers, which is why I called him. Most times, I don’t call just to call, and that makes me sad.

What makes me more sad is that I do the same thing with my other Father. This is the one that created the sun and gives me life. This is the One that knew me and loved me before I was even born. Most of the time, I only talk to him when I need something, or when I have a problem. Lately, selfishly, I haven’t been calling simply to talk. When I call Him with my problems and issues, like my dad, He loves every minute of communicating with me. He loves the connection, the intimacy, if only for the moment. He hangs on every word and thinks about the conversation long after it has finished.

Love is not using someone for what it can give me, but it is the beauty of giving something away expecting nothing, and often not getting anything in return. I hope to be able to invest in my relationships with my dad, God, and those around me because I love them and value them. They are more than worth my time and energy. And with my dad and God especially, they are worth more than what I have been giving them and taking for myself. They are willing to give of themselves to me, but so often I have been unwilling to give of myself to them. It’s time for a change.

Upon arriving back in the US, my expectations were sent soaring. The Not Alone Benefit made some money for the Mercy Development Home in Ethiopia, I saw some friends and family members, and then all of the sudden I was on my way back to Kona to resume studies and work on the publication from our experiences. What I didn’t anticipate was the slight depression that landed on me almost simultaneously with my plane landing in Honolulu. Depression is something that I have struggled with in the past, almost as if whenever I look behind me it is as if a shadow is always a hundred feet behind…sometimes closer, sometimes further, and sometimes I don’t even look.

Over the last few days, I think that I have been able to identify areas in my life that the depression feeds off of. I want to deeply trust God that He is who He says He is. I should know both in my head and my heart that He is good having witnessed His amazing provision and love. There is also this seemingly inherent fear of being hurt alone, as well as some psychological and emotional wounds in need of deep tissue healing. All of that culminating with the financial stresses of going through school with hardly any of the money than is required.

Maybe it is my inability to see God as my Father. In a recent talk to the body of believers out here in Kona, Andy Byrd, an amazing man of God, gave a parallel of his relationship with His son. Asher is about 4 years old and is passionate about his love for his father. He never distrusts Andy’s ability to clothe, feed, and give good gifts to him. Andy is not God, but the reliance that Asher has on his daddy is the way I want to relate with my Heavenly Father. In fact, that is the way that faith is supposed to work. With my eyes fixed on God, the waves around me are insignificant next to the power that He has. And then there is the promise that God’s power, the power that raised Christ from the dead, is living inside of me. Why do I worry? Why do I strive for control over my life when the Perfect Father, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe is alive within me? The reality of Jesus and His life is the reality that I need to be living in, not this façade, this thin, filthy veneer that I see. It about looking beyond, looking to the reality that Christ brought – the Kingdom that He ushers in – the Kingdom that He placed within.

As I have mentioned in some of my posts, I love the thought of Love. The word has lost a lot of meaning in our time and can mean anything from a red glass window in Amsterdam paid for by the hour, to the subculture of the 70’s, to the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus Christ. The love I speak about is the unending love, the love that gives expecting nothing in return, the love that costs something, unselfish. This is the type of love that God has for the world, the type of love that I have seen the world in desperation for. What I haven’t realized or taken to heart was that the passionate, unrelenting, undistracted, devastating, and unconditional love that the world is burning for is the same love that God has for me; that He has for you. He is mesmerized by one glance from my eyes; His heart blazes at one trifling word of affection from our hearts to His. I have to know that love, I need to feel it not only for the world, but for myself. Oh, to wake up to the reality of the love of Christ – the destructive love of the relentless Lion and the tender embrace of the Lamb.

The program that I am enrolled in is expensive. It is even more expensive now that we are back in the States. The team of monthly supporters helps a great deal, but as it stands, I have no way of paying for the school fees as well as the bills that I have back home as well. I have this issue of pride with asking for others to come along-side me, joining me in accomplishing the goal and finishing the program, but after praying about what God wanted me to do, I felt that I should use the blog this week to do just that. It is a sacrifice of my pride, the idea that I should be providing for myself, and what I think the blog should be… but, in obedience, I have to.

I started PhotogenX last September and I intend to finish it. These next 6 months we will be working on a publication from our travels and experiences with injustice around the world. We want it to be a catalyst of change in the world. We are willing to be used, but we need help. I need help. My fees for the school are $4,000 just for this next 3 months and at the moment I don’t have it. I am trusting God for this provision believing that He can finish what He started. The waves of financial pressure are building all around me, but He knows exactly where I am and He is with me. If you would like to stand with me, there are many ways to do so; please let me know.

Thanks for reading about my journeys and experiences. I pray that you open yourself up to the Amazing Love and Grace that comes only through a loving relationship with Jesus Christ.

In Obedience to Him,

John Paul

For now. I am tired. Honestly, I am tired of doing the show. I know thats not necessarily the right attitude, but let me explain. Somewhere along the way, I can’t really remember where it was, I stopped relying on God to be my strength and His provision for the show. I lost sight of His ownership and His goals and dreams for it. It was His vision that he shared with me all the way back in Uganda. I was selfish and proud of the Tour and it led to a burn-out from it. It is too big for me to think that I have any kind of control over it, yet I tried to take it anyway.

So, that is what I have been dealing with lately, and I share it with you for more than one purpose. The first is to share my struggles with you because I know that there is so much that I need to learn in this walk. I haven’t arrived at the proverbial “there”, or have all of the answers for how to live. I still have to learn daily to put my flesh to death and walk through the power of the Spirit within me. Sometimes its harder than others. Instead of hiding it, like everything is okay, I thought that I would experiment to see what happens when my struggles are exposed.
Since there is some identification of what is happening in my heart, I can (and am trying to) take steps to correct it, to get a sense of God’s passion for those He loves (which is everyone!), to realign my life with His will and word, and to get insight and guidance from those around me.

The other reason that I share is because I am not sure I am alone in my control issue. I may be wrong, but I think that it is part of who we are as humans to desire to be in control of our lives and the world around us. Its one of those things that we say we don’t want to be a part of, but if we take a closer look at our lives, we do see that we cling to control. I have done it my whole life and I don’t want to do it anymore. I want to be used by God as an instrument for His will, despite myself. It kind of goes along with the cliche saying that I am my own worst enemy. I am the one that stands in the way of being completely open for God to use… It all comes down to surrender, and when you give your life to Christ, surrender is mandatory.

What kinds of things are you holding on and not giving over to Him? It makes sense to give it to Him because He is the one that cares (1 Peter 5:7). And, after all… He is only the creator and sustainer of the universe… (written with sarcastic undertones)

So thats not really the direction that I saw this entry taking, but thats the way it goes sometimes.
Love and Blessings from Him!
John Paul