Posts Tagged: love

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9
Mar 10

I hope I can

Over the last few weeks I have really been asking myself if it was reasonable to go to Africa this summer or not. I tried to make it out last summer, but I couldn’t. This summer, I want to go, but I already feel the financial pressure of being able to raise the money to get out there. It would be so much easier for my schedule and wallet to look into other options. I know that there is a lot of work that could be done here to help a lot of organizations out, but my heart is constantly reminding me of smiles on young faces in the places that I have been before. I feel like God has so much for me to do for those children that I feel sad when I cannot be with them, taking care of them, playing soccer with them, comforting them in the storms, or telling them that they are worth more than what the world whispers to them in the darkest nights.

I asked if it was possible to have a backup plan. A harness, a net, a chute. Something to fall back on if I couldn’t make it back. Honestly, I don’t want one. I would love to hope without doubt. I would love for my mind to run free with plans of what I could do with the time that I would have in the land far away. I hope beyond to the impact that it would make. I think further to the type of man I want to be, to what God has for me, to what he has for the world. Does this all play in? Does this moment, this field experience, this research question have an impact? Would I miss something if I were to stay and find something else?

I want to go. I want it to be possible. It might not be reasonable, but it’s something that I can stand in faith for. It’s something to work towards, something to hope for. I don’t even want to ask about what would happen if it doesn’t work out because I don’t want to let myself think that this won’t happen. So I won’t. There is nothing I would rather do than to spend a month in Africa, renewing relationships with orphan care centers, investigating trends, offering myself and the gifts God has given me, and the mission that He has placed in my heart concerning the welfare of these children. What else could I do?

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19
Dec 09

a little video for my church

My church asked me to talk about poverty a little bit to tie into a message  about how much money we spend at Christmas and what we spend our money. He asked us to think about how much we spend on people or how much people spend on us that is wasted because we don’t like the gift or whatever.

The sermon can be found online here : http://www.nsb.org/sermons/a-classic-christmas (http://www NULL.nsb NULL.org/sermons/a-classic-christmas)

Anyway, he asked me to put something together for the service, kind of like a voice from within Northshore (the church i go to). So, I asked Devin to help. We shot it all on a Nikon D300s, 50mm f/1.4 with a RØDE microphone with video lights in front of a huge seamless backdrop.

The song is Needles and Thread by Sleeping at Last.

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14
Dec 09

Love and Justice

Another response paper for a Social Justice class that I am in. My prof liked it, so I figured I would pass it on in hopes that others would too. Many people think that Justice is confined to the Old Testament, when it really isn’t. Love hasn’t replaced justice, it is magnified by justice. Enjoy!

The definition of justice in the Old Testament is vital to our understanding of justice today. Many theorists have placed the idea of inherent rights in the fourteenth century. If justice was not rooted in the Bible, then the fourteenth century definition (Wolterstorff, 2008) would be irrelevant to the contemporary Christian practice of justice. It would be based on the evolution of human thought instead of the basis of Christian faith, the Word of God.

In the Old Testament, justice was not an institution, it was a way of life (Wolterstorff, 2008, p.74). The institution came out of an understanding of inherent human rights. God loved the people of Israel, and all people, so he called them to practice justice. He held them accountable to just standards not for justices’ sake, but because of the worth that people had to God. Through the Old Testament especially, sacrifice for wrong doing is a central theme. Before God’s written law, the Patriarchs had to burn offerings to God for their repentance. Sacrifice, especially to God, would be completely unnecessary in a justice as right order context. The importance of practicing justice was made evident not only to Israel, but also to the surrounding nations. If God’s definition of justice lay in the institution of justice only, he would have no grounds for expecting the other nations to practice justice. How would the other nations know what justice really was if they didn’t have the Law of God? How did the Patriarchs know of justice or Joseph when he distributed grain for all of Egypt and the surrounding people (Genesis 41 & 47)? There was no Law at that time, but people knew because God created everyone with a sense of what is right and wrong.

The entire basis of what is right and wrong is dependent on worth. Since God has infinite worth, we ultimately deprive him of the rights in which he is due( Wolterstorff, 2008, p. 81). He created humans in his image and to deprive them of inherent rights is stripping them of worth. This is not only an act of injustice against the other person, but an injustice against God for defacing his image. This idea is fleshed out in the New Testament.

Jesus is God bringing justice to earth. It is God’s love that motivates justice. Because of God’s love for the world, he brought forgiveness, but also justice. For forgiveness to take place, the victim and perpetrator must recognize the inherent rights that God has as a perfect being and the value that he gave to humans by creating them in his image. Forgiveness cannot be separate from justice (Wolterstorff, 2008, p. 101). Jesus proved that justice was inherent and not defined by social order when he defied the social order of the day by reaching out to the diseased, afflicted, and oppressed. The forgiveness of sins by Jesus’ death on the cross is the central point of the New Testament. Since there cannot be forgiveness without the concept of justice, the entire theme of the New Testament is love and justice. The writers of the gospels showed Jesus’ love for those he came in contact with (2008, p. 117). His public interaction showed that he cared about the equality of people and highlighted the injustices that were being done to them so often. Not only was he there to lift up those who were oppressed, he came to show the backwardness of those who oppressed.

In the Old Testament, God is constantly reminding the Israelites of the bondage he brought them out of in Egypt. In the same way, we can look to Jesus as a constant reminder of the freedom from sin that we have been brought out of. We can also look back to the Old and New Testaments and see the value that God sees in every individual, whether they were called his people or not. The freedom that Christ brought on the cross and the example of love and justice that he showed during his life and death are the basis for all actions that we take as Christians. The idea of the inherent worth of humans, and the treatment of them that follows, is not an idea that originated a thousand years after Christ’s death, but is an idea that is foundational to the writings of the Old and New Testaments. Not only is it conceptual, but practical as well. God called the Israelites and the surrounding people groups to act justly in the Old Testament. In the New Testament, he lovingly gave himself as an example of the practices of justice and forgiveness. As we seek justice, we see Jesus as the perfect example of defending the poor and oppressed, and turning the idea of justice as social order upside-down.

with love, John Paul

Wolterstorff, N. (2008). Justice: Rights and Wrongs. Princeton: Princeton University Press.

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26
Oct 08

Life without Brakes

“So what am I supposed to do again?” I asked my father for the third time. My car had been making a terrible noise for a couple of days. It is the sound of metal against metal… the kind of noise that told me there was a problem.

Before I left for YWAM, while I was still in college, my dad almost forced me to help him change the brakes of the 93’ Pontiac Transport SE (aka the spaceship or dustbuster). It was a project I figured I would never have to repeat.

A few days ago I decided that in order to get rid of this terrible screeching, I would have to change the brakes again… only this time, my dad wouldn’t be able to troubleshoot anything that could possibly go wrong. Even though he wasn’t there, I was confident that it would be a breeze. But within minutes, even before I took the first wheel off, I was talking to my dad on the phone, getting information, insight, and guidance. He walked me through each step, told me in detail about each of the parts and how they worked. We hung up and I put my hands to the limited and rusty tools I found in my uncle’s garage. Time passed, but before I knew it, I had my dad on the line again. Another problem, another piece of guidance, another word of encouragement. I did everything I was supposed to do but something still went wrong and I found myself sitting in 2 puddles of brake fluid. I changed the brake pads, but when I put the car in drive to test them out, my brake petal went straight to the floor without stopping the car.

I couldn’t understand what could have gone wrong. This minivan is part of my job, part of my connection; and it was broken. Another phone call to my father landed me with possibilities of all the problems, and worse, the expensive solutions. Frustrated and overwhelmed, I was stuck and it was getting late and starting to rain. I was supposed to be somewhere in Seattle at 9 the next morning. My only option was to replace the brake fluid and bleed the brakes; both of which I had no idea how to do. “You need to have the blakes bred” must have come out of my dad’s mouth a dozen times, but I was too frustrated to laugh – at the time.


After more coaching, a YouTube tutorial, and another trip to Schuck’s auto parts, my cousin and I got to work in the raid. We tried a DYI vacuum trick that looked (and worked) more like a bong from my early days. We ended up doing it the old fashioned way – my dad’s way. Seven and a half hours later, we took her for another spin, this time the brakes working quietly and efficiently. My father congratulated me on a job well done.

The next day, while I drove the beast of a van down the Maple Valley Highway I thought back to the previous day and came out with some insights on life and how I operate my life.



No matter how well I think I can do something of how effectively I think I can perform; no matter how confident I am, things tend to go wrong occasionally. I’m not always going to have my dad physically present to coach me on fixing cars or doing taxes. Errors are port of life, but they lead to growth. Even though I didn’t know that brakes could be bled, I learned how to do it and I had to learn fast. Mistakes have a way of forcing our heads up and our eyes open. We have the choice to face them and learn or to turn away from them in further ignorance. Problems break friendships, jobs, marriages, and projects, but they also have the ability enable us to grow as people, to learn and discover what may have been previously unknown and daunting.


I also thought of my relationship with my dad, which hasn’t always been very healthy. In the last few years it has grown and developed into a healthy relationship, but I realized that I called my dad when I needed something from him. We talk on occasion, but I must have spent 2 hours talking to him when the brakes went bad. The thing is, I could tell that he loved every minute that we spent on the phone. Not once did he say, “alright, I have to go”, or “why don’t we talk more often?” We had a connection over my problems. I knew that he had the answers, which is why I called him. Most times, I don’t call just to call, and that makes me sad.


What makes me more sad is that I do the same thing with my other Father. This is the one that created the sun and gives me life. This is the One that knew me and loved me before I was even born. Most of the time, I only talk to him when I need something, or when I have a problem. Lately, selfishly, I haven’t been calling simply to talk. When I call Him with my problems and issues, like my dad, He loves every minute of communicating with me. He loves the connection, the intimacy, if only for the moment. He hangs on every word and thinks about the conversation long after it has finished.


Love is not using someone for what it can give me, but it is the beauty of giving something away expecting nothing, and often not getting anything in return. I hope to be able to invest in my relationships with my dad, God, and those around me because I love them and value them. They are more than worth my time and energy. And with my dad and God especially, they are worth more than what I have been giving them and taking for myself. They are willing to give of themselves to me, but so often I have been unwilling to give of myself to them. It’s time for a change.

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14
Aug 08

The Battle Within

Conversation with some friends yielded the topic of striving – a word that isn’t used very much, but is loaded with connotations of insecurity, priorities, recognition, and success. Most of us have this intense desire, whether consciously or not, of being recognized. We thrive knowing that someone approves of us, so when we put our hands to work, we are flooded with anxiety, worry, and disappointment. Many Christians even get into ministry or different projects thinking that God may love us more if we do some amazing things for Him. The motivation of our heart moves from doing anything out of love for God and His creation to seeking approval from the people around us and even from God. This kind of mindset creates an invisible prison that prevents us from moving in the freedom of who we were created to be. When we fail, we either stop trying or attempt another goal for our redemption – feeding off of the disappointment that we have brought upon ourselves. We are immersed in this kind of behavior neglecting the true purpose that we are made to go after unhindered by expectations and limitations. We have this mindset that the end or what we have to show of our lives is the result… the end is the point. In reality, the path is where the beauty is found.

Masks have been created from my striving, projecting an image of myself that isn’t real or true. I have hardly anything together, yet I find myself making it look like I do. With my hands on this mask, I am unable to approach those around me with open hands and an open heart. The thing is – most people still have their hands on their masks as well. We all have these areas where we keep locked away afraid to show others who we really are, but it is better to keep in mind that we are all made of the same parts and experience similar circumstances. If I have learned on thing by spending over a year and a half overseas is that we are all human and deal with both suffering and joy it is what connects us all. Having this mindset helps in dealing with both the struggles and eases of life, especially when there are others around you saying, “I can see where you are and I am here for you.” It is not only refreshing, but it is the correct posture that we should have in relation to each other. It helps put an end to striving for the chartless end and enjoy the radiance of life – loving who we are – living the way we were meant to live.

Finding Peace, Joy, and Love in the journey is finding the treasure. I may not have everything together, but God does, and He is inviting me on this journey of discovery – learning, trying, failing, and recovering. It is a beautiful process. I want to encourage you to let go of your striving and open yourself up to enjoy God and enjoy those around you. Life is an amazing gift. We were created to live with and to live for each other. We don’t have to wait until we are good enough or sufficient enough… if we were to do so, we would never stop waiting.

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12
Jul 08

The Essence of Unseen

Sitting in front of an empty screen is consoling; the small blinking cursor in the sea of white reminds me of my current condition and the state of my emotions. After traveling for the last 10 months experiencing a myriad of situations, worldviews, and thought processes, my mind and spirit have been on a proverbial rollercoaster. It was a ride that I thoroughly enjoyed.

(http://bp3 NULL.blogger NULL.com/_qnp_-5yGoRQ/SHk0S2hVAPI/AAAAAAAAApw/xpegXCKs4uc/s1600-h/DSC_0113a NULL.jpg)

Upon arriving back in the US, my expectations were sent soaring. The Not Alone Benefit made some money for the Mercy Development Home in Ethiopia, I saw some friends and family members, and then all of the sudden I was on my way back to Kona to resume studies and work on the publication from our experiences. What I didn’t anticipate was the slight depression that landed on me almost simultaneously with my plane landing in Honolulu. Depression is something that I have struggled with in the past, almost as if whenever I look behind me it is as if a shadow is always a hundred feet behind…sometimes closer, sometimes further, and sometimes I don’t even look.

Over the last few days, I think that I have been able to identify areas in my life that the depression feeds off of. I want to deeply trust God that He is who He says He is. I should know both in my head and my heart that He is good having witnessed His amazing provision and love. There is also this seemingly inherent fear of being hurt alone, as well as some psychological and emotional wounds in need of deep tissue healing. All of that culminating with the financial stresses of going through school with hardly any of the money than is required.

Maybe it is my inability to see God as my Father. In a recent talk to the body of believers out here in Kona, Andy Byrd, an amazing man of God, gave a parallel of his relationship with His son. Asher is about 4 years old and is passionate about his love for his father. He never distrusts Andy’s ability to clothe, feed, and give good gifts to him. Andy is not God, but the reliance that Asher has on his daddy is the way I want to relate with my Heavenly Father. In fact, that is the way that faith is supposed to work. With my eyes fixed on God, the waves around me are insignificant next to the power that He has. And then there is the promise that God’s power, the power that raised Christ from the dead, is living inside of me. Why do I worry? Why do I strive for control over my life when the Perfect Father, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe is alive within me? The reality of Jesus and His life is the reality that I need to be living in, not this façade, this thin, filthy veneer that I see. It about looking beyond, looking to the reality that Christ brought – the Kingdom that He ushers in – the Kingdom that He placed within.

As I have mentioned in some of my posts, I love the thought of Love. The word has lost a lot of meaning in our time and can mean anything from a red glass window in Amsterdam paid for by the hour, to the subculture of the 70’s, to the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus Christ. The love I speak about is the unending love, the love that gives expecting nothing in return, the love that costs something, unselfish. This is the type of love that God has for the world, the type of love that I have seen the world in desperation for. What I haven’t realized or taken to heart was that the passionate, unrelenting, undistracted, devastating, and unconditional love that the world is burning for is the same love that God has for me; that He has for you. He is mesmerized by one glance from my eyes; His heart blazes at one trifling word of affection from our hearts to His. I have to know that love, I need to feel it not only for the world, but for myself. Oh, to wake up to the reality of the love of Christ – the destructive love of the relentless Lion and the tender embrace of the Lamb.

(http://bp2 NULL.blogger NULL.com/_qnp_-5yGoRQ/SHk0S6aoF0I/AAAAAAAAApo/QQ3pdKz3MgU/s1600-h/000001bulgaria NULL.jpg)

The program that I am enrolled in is expensive. It is even more expensive now that we are back in the States. The team of monthly supporters helps a great deal, but as it stands, I have no way of paying for the school fees as well as the bills that I have back home as well. I have this issue of pride with asking for others to come along-side me, joining me in accomplishing the goal and finishing the program, but after praying about what God wanted me to do, I felt that I should use the blog this week to do just that. It is a sacrifice of my pride, the idea that I should be providing for myself, and what I think the blog should be… but, in obedience, I have to.

I started PhotogenX last September and I intend to finish it. These next 6 months we will be working on a publication from our travels and experiences with injustice around the world. We want it to be a catalyst of change in the world. We are willing to be used, but we need help. I need help. My fees for the school are $4,000 just for this next 3 months and at the moment I don’t have it. I am trusting God for this provision believing that He can finish what He started. The waves of financial pressure are building all around me, but He knows exactly where I am and He is with me. If you would like to stand with me, there are many ways to do so; please let me know.

Thanks for reading about my journeys and experiences. I pray that you open yourself up to the Amazing Love and Grace that comes only through a loving relationship with Jesus Christ.

In Obedience to Him,

John Paul

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12
Jul 08

The Essence of Unseen

Sitting in front of an empty screen is consoling; the small blinking cursor in the sea of white reminds me of my current condition and the state of my emotions. After traveling for the last 10 months experiencing a myriad of situations, worldviews, and thought processes, my mind and spirit have been on a proverbial rollercoaster. It was a ride that I thoroughly enjoyed.

(http://bp3 NULL.blogger NULL.com/_qnp_-5yGoRQ/SHk0S2hVAPI/AAAAAAAAApw/xpegXCKs4uc/s1600-h/DSC_0113a NULL.jpg)

Upon arriving back in the US, my expectations were sent soaring. The Not Alone Benefit made some money for the Mercy Development Home in Ethiopia, I saw some friends and family members, and then all of the sudden I was on my way back to Kona to resume studies and work on the publication from our experiences. What I didn’t anticipate was the slight depression that landed on me almost simultaneously with my plane landing in Honolulu. Depression is something that I have struggled with in the past, almost as if whenever I look behind me it is as if a shadow is always a hundred feet behind…sometimes closer, sometimes further, and sometimes I don’t even look.

Over the last few days, I think that I have been able to identify areas in my life that the depression feeds off of. I want to deeply trust God that He is who He says He is. I should know both in my head and my heart that He is good having witnessed His amazing provision and love. There is also this seemingly inherent fear of being hurt alone, as well as some psychological and emotional wounds in need of deep tissue healing. All of that culminating with the financial stresses of going through school with hardly any of the money than is required.

Maybe it has something to do with my struggle to always see God as my Father. In a recent talk to the body of believers out here in Kona, Andy Byrd, an amazing man of God, gave a parallel of his relationship with His son. Asher is about 4 years old and is passionate about his love for his father. He never distrusts Andy’s ability to clothe, feed, and give good gifts to him. Andy is not God, but the reliance that Asher has on his daddy is the way I want to relate with my Heavenly Father. In fact, that is the way that faith is supposed to work. With my eyes fixed on God, the waves around me are insignificant next to the power that He has. And then there is the promise that God’s power, the power that raised Christ from the dead, is living inside of me. Why do I worry? Why do I strive for control over my life when the Perfect Father, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe is alive within me? The reality of Jesus and His life is the reality that I need to be living in, not this façade, this thin, filthy veneer that I see. It about looking beyond, looking to the reality that Christ brought – the Kingdom that He ushers in – the Kingdom that He placed within.

As I have mentioned in some of my posts, I love the thought of Love. The word has lost a lot of meaning in our time and can mean anything from a red glass window in Amsterdam paid for by the hour, to the subculture of the 70’s, to the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus Christ. The love I speak about is the unending love, the love that gives expecting nothing in return, the love that costs something, unselfish. This is the type of love that God has for the world, the type of love that I have seen the world in desperation for. What I haven’t realized or taken to heart was that the passionate, unrelenting, undistracted, devastating, and unconditional love that the world is burning for is the same love that God has for me; that He has for you. He is mesmerized by one glance from my eyes; His heart blazes at one trifling word of affection from our hearts to His. I have to know that love, I need to feel it not only for the world, but for myself. Oh, to wake up to the reality of the love of Christ – the destructive love of the relentless Lion and the tender embrace of the Lamb.

(http://bp2 NULL.blogger NULL.com/_qnp_-5yGoRQ/SHk0S6aoF0I/AAAAAAAAApo/QQ3pdKz3MgU/s1600-h/000001bulgaria NULL.jpg)
The program that I am enrolled in is expensive. It is even more expensive now that we are back in the States. The team of monthly supporters helps a great deal, but as it stands, I have no way of paying for the school fees as well as the bills that I have back home as well. I have this issue of pride with asking for others to come along-side me, joining me in accomplishing the goal and finishing the program, but after praying about what God wanted me to do, I felt that I should use the blog this week to do just that. It is a sacrifice of my pride, the idea that I should be providing for myself, and what I think the blog should be… but, in obedience, I have to.

I started PhotogenX last September and I intend to finish it. These next 6 months we will be working on a publication from our travels and experiences with injustice around the world. We want it to be a catalyst of change in the world. We are willing to be used, but we need help. I need help. My fees for the school are $4,000 just for this next 3 months and at the moment I don’t have it. I am trusting God for this provision believing that He can finish what He started. The waves of financial pressure are building all around me, but He knows exactly where I am and He is with me. If you would like to stand with me, there are many ways to do so; please let me know.

Thanks for reading about my journeys and experiences. I pray that you open yourself up to the Amazing Love and Grace that comes only through a loving relationship with Jesus Christ.

In Obedience to Him,

John Paul

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17
Jun 08

the beauty is in the Hope

“Ask, and I will give the nations to you”

(http://bp2 NULL.blogger NULL.com/_qnp_-5yGoRQ/SFf6P8L2XsI/AAAAAAAAAm4/9aHc0uoDtFw/s1600-h/IMG_3446 NULL.JPG)

What am I asking for?

I stand among 25 people lifting their voices, their minds, and their hearts – in essence – their lives – to a Perfect Father. Over the last 10 months He has given us the nations, a tremendous blessing and opportunity, but also one that has had it share of struggles. We have witnessed the numerous heartbreaks of humanity; infanticide, famine, the deepest hunger, those on their deathbeds from HIV, the effects of war, the vicious cycles of poverty and disease that claim millions of precious lives each year, and the injustice of the apathetic. All of the traveling was not a joy-ride but one involving real and evident sadness. The situations and circumstances left us changes; scarred forever like a brand on our hearts and minds. So we continue to ask for the nations… along with all of their joys, but also their sorrow.

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But, we are not left there because even in immense pain is beauty – we know of it as hope. In John 16 Jesus talks about sadness – that we will have it and that by following Him, we seek it out. When we follow Him into the life – into the nations – into love – We are following Him to the Cross. But as we pursue Him there He gives to us what can never be taken away; a peace that passes understanding and incomparable joy. That is why we are able to laugh hysterically at our living conditions, each other’s crazy experiences, and shake-face pictures (see below). It is also the reason that we are able to stand together wherever we are in the world and, with tears in our eyes and compassion in our hearts, cry out to God; telling Him in our feeble words how great and how good He really is.


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“Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

He wins.

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Blessings through Him… the most beautiful One
John Paul

Please don’t view this as an impression that the beautiful people, places, and moments are rare; they are definitely evident in every society and culture around the world. But pain and suffering are found everywhere as well and it is the reason that we are here, to proclaim Hope to those who may have lost it whether they be in Myanmar, Switzerland, or Denver, Colorado.

(http://bp0 NULL.blogger NULL.com/_qnp_-5yGoRQ/SFf6QYvanrI/AAAAAAAAAnI/9D0nuzyDdNY/s1600-h/IMG_8939a NULL.jpg)

Shake-Face – just use the flash… compliments of Anna

(http://bp3 NULL.blogger NULL.com/_qnp_-5yGoRQ/SFf7Th1Y5EI/AAAAAAAAAnQ/u4EJ72uePr0/s1600-h/Ugly+Bunch NULL.jpg)

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15
May 08

Love is the Stillness

Love is a word that I talk so vigilantly about, but I hardly know anything about it. I have often mentioned that Love is a Movement… To a large degree, I am wrong. It is true that love is a catalyst for change, but before love can move me, I must be loved. Not only must I be loved, but it is absolutely vital that I love God above everything else. I have felt God’s love for me in tremendous ways. I will never forget one of the most vivid times. It was in November of 2006, I was in a remote area of Hawaii and had committed my life to Christ the night before. I made the commitment out of desperation, not knowing what would happen next; I wasn’t expecting to be physically on my face in the presence of God, my heart in a vice unable to grasp or handle the perfect, undivided, and everlasting love of the Father for me. It was a moment that was branded into my mind and soul forever. Since that time, my heart has been rebroken over and over for the lost and hurting people in the world; Congolese experiencing the worst genocide ever, Ethiopian street children starving to death by the thousands, Ugandans ravaged by war and HIV, 127,000 plus residents of Myanmar gone in a matter of hours, and a Western world full of suicidal depression, adultery, and greed. The love of the Father is open to all… can this be?

My mother tells me that when I was young, I would constantly ask her, “Is that true, mom?” to no end. I have this deep desire to know that something is real, tangible, and trustworthy. But as happens so much in everyone’s lives, we experience something that takes away our childlike innocence and grows us up to some of the realities of the world, betrayal, unfaithfulness, and injustice. The same is true in my life. Sometimes the people unknowingly and unwillingly do so to us, but we are betrayed just the same. Often times we feel as if it were God Himself bringing his judgment against us.

There were a few instances in my life that particularly stand out to me. I was in high school, a young freshman punky looking kid with little direction and at the verge of going “off the edge” in terms of rebellion. There was this girl, who had a smile that would attract the attention of the entire room as if no one had known that they were existing in darkness before she walked in. Over the next three years, we got to know each other. She was the first person that I loved. She was an amazing person, full of the joy of the Lord eager to follow Him with everything she had. I wasn’t an amazing person, nor did I have the joy of the Lord, and really didn’t know Him much at all besides this light He had placed in my path… But I messed everything up and I knew it. I was the one who betrayed, who was blind, who was corrupt. For a long time, I tried to save myself in her eyes, persistently apologizing. The summer in between my two years at military school in Missouri, we sat down in our usual spot in McDonald’s under the poster of Terrell Davis, where we had spend so many afternoons over the years. She told me she would write… She left on a mission’s trip to Mexico where the Lord took her home to be with Him.

A long while later, I was attending university at Westmont; she was a sophomore at the same college. We met through a friend, started dating, and fell in love. Over the next three years, I studied hard, graduating a year early so that we could go through with our plans to get married. I asked her to marry me and we were set for a full exciting life… or so we thought. Not long after graduation, the engagement and our relationship were off. I was heartbroken, feeling betrayed not only by her, but by this far off and distant God who said that He cares about people. I questioned who I was, what on earth I was doing, and why me… Out of desperation, I applied to DTS where I encountered the personal Father and Jesus Christ for the first time.

Since then, from reading the Bible, I would pick up on verses that told me to go into the world, love each other, bind up the brokenhearted. There was something romantic about the idea of traveling, being a champion for the poor and needy, showing them that there is a God who loves them. I had skipped the part that Jesus made so perfectly clear… “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength” (Matthew 22:37). Since I had the dream that I explained in the last blog update, I haven’t felt right. There has been something missing. Over the last week, God has been showing me that there has been so much that I have missed. The past relationships with people close to me have shaped me into someone who doesn’t trust. I project what happened in those relationships onto the people around me as well as onto God. I know in my head that He is perfect, worthy of trust, but my life, doubt, worry, and actions show that my heart is holding back from giving Him everything. His love is better than life itself, He proved in with the death of His Son, Jesus Christ, but here I am striving for His love as if it wasn’t a free gift. I think that what I have been doing for the last two years had aspects of love, but they were also a plead to God that He shouldn’t ever leave me, that perhaps He needed to keep me around for something. How wrong I was. Love is being still and letting the love of Christ empty everything that I am out, the doubt, guilt, disbelief, and worry in order to fully accept His unconditional, life-changing, freedom releasing love to me. I am only realizing that I will never be good enough to deserve His love. But He gives it to me anyway. That is Grace and when we get it, we have no other options but falling to our knees in absolute nothingness before the Perfect Creator, the Author of Salvation, the Name above all other names.

How can I love God? How can I give Him trust? How can I be emptied of selfishness and striving? I can’t. I am absolutely incapable of changing my situation. All I can do is want more of Him. He is the one that can replace this incapable heart and replace it with one able to trust Him able to rest in His perfect, everlasting love. We are all broken. We all need a transformation that supersedes anything we could ever go for ourselves.

I have preached so much about love – yet I was deceived about the best part of it, Grace. I can’t move in love until I know God’s love for me. The response from His love is to love Him – above everything else, bringing nothing to Him, receiving His Grace. His love for me and mine for Him then flows out of me uncontrollably. We crave for others to feel that kind of unconditional, absolutely incomprehensible and mysterious love.

His love is that whisper amidst the whirlwinds and earthquakes of our lives. Love from the Perfect Father is known by being still – listening to His gentle voice that shatters worry and melts fear. He knows me, knows my insufficiencies and sins, but He loves me just the same and is waiting to give up everything, all of my pride, brokenness, and striving, in order to create in me a new heart.

I had a vision of that wonderful day, when I would meet Jesus, God’s tangible love, face to face. I pictures standing in front of Him – when our eyes met for the first time and pierced my soul. The guilt of everything I had ever done piled on my heart in an instant. I couldn’t stand in His perfection. I felt as though I had died, completely ashamed in front of the One who died for my sins. Almost instantly He was lifting me up, taking all of my bur
dens once and for all in the greatest act of forgiveness that the world will ever know. He was inviting me to live with Him forever, in the place that He had been preparing. The place where every tear would be wiped away, every fear released; a place where I could never get away from the unhindered love and presence of God.
What a glorious day that will be.

In constant need for more of Him,
Jp

Uncategorized — 4 Comments
11
May 08

Dreams, England, and the Mediteranean…

(http://bp0 NULL.blogger NULL.com/_qnp_-5yGoRQ/SCbvqzylp8I/AAAAAAAAAeY/WZ77KHF3Eak/s1600-h/blogupdate08050410 NULL.jpg)[Brassica napus (aka rapeseed) field near Doncaster, UK]

(http://bp1 NULL.blogger NULL.com/_qnp_-5yGoRQ/SCbvMDylp4I/AAAAAAAAAd4/hR6Ya48cEEI/s1600-h/blogupdate08050403 NULL.jpg)[Snake Pass in the Pennines]

Leaving Amsterdam was bittersweet, as I had mentioned last time. Upon leaving, I flew to the middle of the United Kingdom to spend a number of days in a town called Doncaster. My uncle has been living there for the last 6 years and it is rare that I get to spend any serious time with him. Before this, I can’t remember having so much fun and such close communion with him. When I look back on this track, it will be one of the highlights. Thanks, Uncle Forest, it was such a blessing to be there with you.

(http://bp2 NULL.blogger NULL.com/_qnp_-5yGoRQ/SCbvMTylp6I/AAAAAAAAAeI/VNHnCL3S93k/s1600-h/blogupdate08050405 NULL.jpg)[Nesting swans on Keepmoat lake in Doncaster]

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[Young Lambs in a field near Snake Pass in the Pennine Range]

Driving through the winding, slithery roads of South Yorkshire,where Doncaster is located, a flood of memories came back to me. As a Member of Parliament for this area, William Wilberforce spent much of his time in the area. We can be grateful to his obedience to God in ending the slave trade in England, which set the stage for ending legal slavery all over the world. Hudson Taylor, one of the first missionaries to China was from the region as well.

These roads were rich in history, around every turn were familiar signs and names… “That was here?” Even most of the important scientific discoveries ever were made on this land by brilliant (and sometimes not so brilliant) minds. When the Western Church was expanding, Benedictine monks came to its shores and established abbeys that were vital to the reading and translating of the Bible. The Roche Valley Abbey (monastery and cathedral) was erected from 1147 to 1149 and remained an active area of studying/worship for at least 14 monks and many others for 389 years until the King Henry VIII had problems with the Catholic Church in Rome. With the dissolution of all of the monasteries in England the Roche became unoccupied and fell victim to the looting of the treasures and even stones of the buildings. Even the largest Abbey in England, the Fountains Abbey in Ripon Valley was subject to the wrath of Henry VIII. because of his issues with divorce. He broke off from the Catholic Church and formed the Anglican Church, which is still the official church in England.

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[Roche Valley Abbey near Doncaster, UK]

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[Fountains Abbey near Ripon, UK]

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Throughout history, especially in Europe and especially with Christianity, there have been divisions, wars, moral dilemmas, and intellectual supremacy that has kept Europe in much of a Dark Age. Many missionaries ended up coming out of England and Europe, but now in Yorkshire, less than 3% of the population considers themselves Christian? What went wrong? I think that many people used Christianity to fit their own actions instead of conforming to the image of Christ in word and deed. When the Age of Enlightenment came around, they no longer even needed to hide behind the façade of Christianity, but were now accountable to no one, neither man or God.

What happened along the way? Did science give us a reason to deny the existence of a Creator? In the academic course I am enrolled in, we must read an array of books by a myriad of authors. One of the books is called “A Short History of Nearly Everything” by a distinguished author named Bill Bryson. Throughout the book (which is lengthy and a bit difficult), everything points back to the absence of order in the universe, explaining scientific theories and their holes,but doesn’t explain possible reasons for the holes. What is evident throughout the book is that we really know very little, with gaps in conjectured (some solid) theories. However observant Bryson may be, he didn’t even allude to the possibility that there could be a Creator and Sustainer of the universe. I hold to the basic principles of naturalism and evolution, but know that it was God whom spoke it all into existence; He set everything in motion and continues to work in His creation – guiding it along. But for the majority of the scientific community, science gave a reason to question. [Maybe some day, I will dedicate a whole entry to my thoughts on creation, nature, science and evolution; this entry is for other thoughts.] To sum it up,in the minds of many, Nietzsche was right… We killed God. We have lifted ourselves up to a position of thinking that we don’t need God (which we obviously do) nor should we be accountable to Him (which is the basis for all morality).

I know that the I AM lives and I need more of Him… desperately – sometimes I just lose sight of it. The first week in Spain I had a dream; literally. My dreams seem to me as a movie in which i have the starring role. In most of them, I view myself from the outside as if I was watching but then participate emotionally and psychologically with what is happening… a little hard to explain. At the start of the dream, I was in the ‘missions field’ doing work, helping people, and feeling good about myself. The scene after that I was coming in through the front door of home. It wasn’t my physical house in Denver or anything, but it had the feeling that I had arrived at my real home… After placing my small bags down I walked around. There were a few people around, but ultimately I made it back to the dining room. As I walked in, I suddenly had to stop. There in front of me was a big table almost completely empty. At the head of the table was the Father God in physical form. I never saw His face, I just knew that it was Him. I did see his arms and hands, resting on the table on both sides of an empty, untouched plate. He had been waiting for me. I felt as though I made the most important date imaginable, but had forgotten about it because I was too caught up doing my own thing. I was instantly regretful, ashamed, and guilty that I was capable of doing such a thing. Then I woke up.
Throughout the morning, I came back to the dream, knowing that I am fully capable of doing good things for the wrong reasons. I am a selfish person. The dream made me examine my life and question my motives for doing anything at all. Do I live my life away from God, disregarding His willingness to have a relationship with me? Do I count Him out of my activities, unwilling to do what He wants me to do?
The Bible tells me that the driving force of my life should be loving God (Luke 10:27). There is nothing more important than that, and I know if from my own experience as well. There is nothing more fulfilling. Why then is it so easy to forget? I want to be in a position where I can love God above everything else, no matter what or where that puts me (even if it’s in Siberia studying lichen or in Africa working with HIV positive people). Nothing is better than my relationship with Him. He is still there, waiting to commune with me, to fellowship with me, to speak love to me. He has been there all along. One of the most beautiful things in existence is that He wants to have a relationship with all of us on an individual, unique, and intimate level.

(http://bp2 NULL.blogger NULL.com/_qnp_-5yGoRQ/SCb0NTylqGI/AAAAAAAAAfo/A1p4e7lF_YY/s1600-h/blogupdate08050408 NULL.jpg)Because He loved first
John Paul

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