*Written as a reflection response in my Practicum class.
During class, I actually asked myself what I was doing here. It’s a question that I ask semi-frequently because I get overwhelmed and worry about things. Usually, its fine and I can just take it one day at a time, one assignment at a time. This is different. It’s not really something that can be taken day by day. Sometimes the planning stages are the hardest because most of it is theoretical and idea-based, something that on paper looks a little odd even though it is filled with hopes and dreams. Converting these hopes and dreams into the reality that comprise the hopes and dreams is the difficult part; project that into the future and it becomes even more difficult.
I struggle with the details. I don’t think that my ideas aren’t valuable, but I lack discipline in seeing those ideas come to fruition. In true John Vicory form, I am already worrying that this may be the same. I worry that I will come up with an idea that I want to accomplish and it will go downhill from there. I won’t get the connections I need, I won’t formulate it into a thesis or ask the wrong questions, or something will fall apart mid-stride and ruin the rest… Or, it just might end up dull and ordinary instead of sparkly and amazing.
I knew where my sites were and I knew what I wanted to say as far as what I wanted to do there. But, when it comes to talking about it with people, especially in front of a group, I make it sound like I have simply thought about it a little bit, or it was still vague in my mind. I know exactly what Becker’s students are feeling because I have the same fears as they do. I am afraid to actually say something because I really don’t want to be wrong. I don’t want to be viewed as a failure or bear the brunt of people’s jokes. Not that I think people in our cohort would do that, but people “out there” in the world. I don’t want to set a goal that I can actually fail at reaching, so I set safe goals. I have done that for a while and have suffered for it. I want greatness, but afraid to do whatever it takes to get there.
I don’t want to live my life like that. When I think about it, I would rather take a stab at greatness and be brutalized in return than to look back and wish that I had taken the leap. I say that now. I hope that when it comes to this practicum and this thesis project that my daily steps would be to dream big and not let my fear get the best of me. Jeez, I feel like a need group therapy or something…
Tags: awaken, christianity, faith, fear, future, life, surrender
hi john…. [doesnt have the same effect if you're not actually in a AA meeting... or 'group therapy']
you are definitely not alone in these worries, taking risks and stepping out in faith require us to be vulnerable – not really the ideal thing to do when we can coast through with being comfortable. Buuuuut… God doesn’t ask us to be comfortable – for some reason, He wants us to get out of the boat and walk – The Beauty is that He is right there and all we have to do is steady our gaze [easier said than done]
You have already done great things in your life and I have no doubts that you will continue to do great things – whether in school or anything else you decide to tackle in life.
Be Blessed!